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Superman has nothing on me. Strength, speed, energy, and even flight are all mine. The world speaks to me, the weather responds to my emotions. The whole of existance is carefully planned play to entertain and torture me. I am the center, I am the best, and I'm not so sure that I didn't actually create it all to begin with. High on mania, the world is a play, a play that stars me.

Hello All,

Well, to cut right to the chase: I have spent the last five days in the Holly Hills psyc. rehabilitation center being diagnosed and treated for rapid-cycle bipolar disorder with severe manic psychosis (anyone that interested can look it up on the web). In layman’s terms, I’ve been progressively more and more messed up over the last year (quitting sports, staying up for days at a time, spending a week on my couch, lighting cars on fire, etc.). Ok, the last one was a joke, hopefully, but the point is I have had a problem and just figured out how to treat it.

When a person says they are conflicted, they are usually talking about one specific disagreement in their decision making. Stop or go. Left or right. Yes or no. Chicken or fish. Decisions are a part of everyday life. Generally speaking, our decisions begin when we put our feet on the floor rather than hit the snooze button again and end when we get back into bed rather than watch another rerun of I Love Lucy on Nick at Nite. Now, it may be me being a drama queen, which is not entirely out of the question, but it seems that the general population has a much easier time with these conflicts than I. I’m not talking about the little decisions, the routine, the mundane. I can drag myself out of bed with the best of them. I show up to my job on a regular basis. I brush my teeth. I pay my taxes and look both ways when I cross the street. The proverbial daily grind is not my dilemma. No, my issue is with the bigger questions in life. Actually, my issue is my life, and my life is my issue, and my issue is my conflicts, and my conflict is my life. Or maybe it’s that my issues conflict with my life, or that my life conflicts with my conflicts, or that my conflicts conflict with my issues. This is all very complicated.

There is this place, not between manic and depressed, but filled with both. A color like green, that is not primary, but a mix of blue and yellow. A note that you only hear when you play A and C# together, not a B or Bb or B# - not between the notes, something that is unique that comes out when they are played at the same time. This chord, this color, this mood is a mixed mood. A hidden mood colored with the sadness and bleakness of depression, but flavored with the energy and excitement of mania. This mood, more dangerous than either alone, is just not simple to notice, and the term "bipolar disorder" insinuates that the two moods are always seperate. There is this place, this hidden mood, that I am stewing.