Mixed Moods : When Minds Collide

There is this place, not between manic and depressed, but filled with both. A color like green, that is not primary, but a mix of blue and yellow. A note that you only hear when you play A and C# together, not a B or Bb or B# - not between the notes, something that is unique that comes out when they are played at the same time. This chord, this color, this mood is a mixed mood. A hidden mood colored with the sadness and bleakness of depression, but flavored with the energy and excitement of mania. This mood, more dangerous than either alone, is just not simple to notice, and the term "bipolar disorder" insinuates that the two moods are always seperate. There is this place, this hidden mood, that I am stewing.

Take one gallon of melancholy, the darker the better, and soak your heart in it overnight. Dream about sad things that have happened in your life. Wake up early and think about everything in your life, and about how sad and alone it all makes you feel. Fall back asleep until you can't sleep anymore. Then, drink one gallon of mania - pure motivation and excitement. Drink it slowly until you are filled with the unescapable urge to do something, to do anything, to accomplish, to move, to live. Lay there, reaking of sadness, until your body refuses to stay still anymore, until your mind won't fall asleep, until your heart is in a rage. Get up, with sad-colored glasses on and try to do something.

Feel how your muscles ache, how every movement requires so much energy. The mania makes it possible to move these lead arms and legs, and makes in inpossible to rest. While mania is usually flavored by the "I can do anything, the world is my oyster" mentality, the depression warps the mindset into a frame of mind like this :

"I don't want to do anything, because everything that I do ends up bad. I hate the situation that I am in, and I must do something to change it, now. Small changes are not going to help, I need to make sweeping changes, and I need to make them now before I lose the will to live. I can't think of anything constructive or helpful to do about things, so I should make destructive changes."

This is the perfect frame of mind for tearing down a wall, ripping out some weeds, using power tools to break things. If you can find a project, a place, a task where breaking and destroying and ripping and mutilating is helpful; this is the time to dig into it. This is the mood for using a machette, or driving a tank through a small village.

Without a small village to masacre, or a brick wall to tear down with your bare hands, this motivation can turn sour. All too often this feeling gets directed at internally. Hatred, disgust, and lothing replace pride, security, and love. What was self esteem now becomes blame for your unhappiness. Your most cherished friends and jobs become a weight around your neck. Where depression can make you lose interest, or sad about these things; this mixed mood makes you hate them, make you disgusted with yourself. When you close your eyes, the pictures in your head are morbid and grotesque.

These are the times when I am most astonished with the whole of my mental illness. By my nature, I love. I love other people, nature, the world, and myself. Being helpful and constructive are my main sources of joy. Building and helping are my main motivations. This is why is shocks me so much to close my eyes and picture violent and destructive scenes. I am a musician, and in these moods I want to smash every musical instrument in sight. This is the mood that has motivated me to quit my jobs, ditch my girlfriends, pack all of my belongings and move to new states. This is the mood where I can picture myself being violent and dangerous, to myself and others.

This mixed mood, mania and depression together, has all of the dangers of either mood, and also a whole new set of dangers. Where depression may make you think of suicide, the mixed mood gives you the uncontrollable urge to do it, and the energy and imagination to carry it out. When I hear about people going to the office and shooting everybody and then themselves, I think I understand what they must have been feeling. You can be sure that somebody who commits a complicated suicide was not only depressed. You might be able to want to kill yourself, but the imaginative plan and the motivation to carry through with it came from a bit of mania.

A manic person is hunting for stimulation. This hunt may a shopping spree, a drug or alchohol binge, a sexual encounter, or hopefully a more constructive pursuit. Creating music, art, song, etc. are good outlets for this surge of energy and drive. With the spice of depression these things turn morbid. The songs are sad and the paintings frightening. Artists like Eminem and Picasso are great examples of manic motivation combined with a depressed vision. Eminem writes amazing music about violence and drugs and sex, and I commend him on finding a constructive outlet for the destructive emotions that he is feeling. If only we could all write and draw about doing violent things, instead of acting them out.

Here is the fine line between genuis and insanity. And we do not always walk on the right side of that line. It is easy to trip. When wracked with feelings of destruction and anger and uncontrollable morbid vision, what can we do to contribute positively. The genius finds an outlet; everybody else goes insane. When I am caught in the storm of a mixed mood, I try a couple of steps to get me through.

First I need to address the mania, for that is the fuel line for this truck raging out of control. I find that exausting myself is the best way to expend that energy. Many times I find that I have the urge to hit things, and a boxing bag or a baseball are good things to hit. Bowling can be a nice outlet if you like to throw things and paintball if you want to shoot at people. Most important here is the exercise. Sometimes I'll find a long stick and spin it circles and hit trees and weeds with it until I am too tired to do it anymore. I also like to take a machette to blackberry bushes. Whatever it takes to get your body so tired that it can't do anything, so that you can go back to sleep and let this mood pass.

Of course, after your body is tired, your mind is a whirlpool. Depression and a little mania have a funny way of keeping you awake all night long, and waking you up first thing in the morning. So after my body is tired, my mind still needs to be ran around for a while. This is a good time to write poetry or stories, draw pictures, even playing video games. Keep pushing your brain to concentrate, create, and react. The writings may be morbid, perhaps you'll write about murder and rape and killing and all sorts of nasty things that you don't want to even think about. The drawings may be gross, with sadness and crying and monsters. Don't judge it, don't like it, just do it. This isn't about making something pretty, its' about getting through the mood without hurting anyone, especially yourself.

Once you've got yourself in the middle of these two moods, all you can do is hold on tight and try not to fall overboard. I recommend carrying a life jacket, in the form of a close friend or family member. You need to tell this person when you are feeling this way, and ask them to keep an eye on you, just in case you slip. You might not like them right now, and you might not want them around, but just let them know. It could save your life.

And remember that this too will pass.