Depression : a view from below

Everybody gets depressed. That's just how it is. We all know how it feels to mourn the loss of somebody or something, to feel cheated, beaten down, or completely rejected. We are all familiar with feeling so sad that you don't want to crawl out of bed. Mood disorders are interesting. You can be in the best place in the world, loved by your family and friends, successful in your job and relationships, and surrounded by your success; and yet you feel just like your dog died, wife left, and your truck won't start. Even though no "event" has triggered the emotion, you feel it just the same. It's a real emotion, a real feeling, a real depression; but you can't explain why. No way to console yourself, or find the bright side of the situation

I am on a low swing. The world feels different from down here. I'm hungry, but I can't force myself to eat. I'm tired as hell, but I can't sleep anymore. I've listened to the same song ("Throwing Stones" by the Grateful Dead) 7 times in a row, and I can't bring myself to make coffee. Honestly, I'm suprised I'm typing this. When you are depressed, you seek any little joys you can: a hot bath, a stuffed animal, alchohol and drugs, sweet foods, sex, and anything that releases even the smallest amount of endorphines into your blood. Not that you can make yourself happy, only relieve a little of the pain.

No matter how well things are going, all that is obvious is the dark and sad side. As you think, your mind shifts to the dark and morbid. Nobody "knows" you, nobody can relate. You are so obviously alone in the world. And there is a sick joy in falling into the sadness, in following those morbid thoughts to the very end. Somewhere in your tears is an addiction to the sadness, a need for the pain. It becomes a self feeding obsession.

Everything is difficult, your mind is muddled. Things that should be simple are complicated, you lose things in seconds, and can't remember very well. You don't want to be alone, but you don't want to be around anybody. Your successes become failures, your responsibilities are a cage. Even your body hurts, muscles are sore and tired, and you have strange pains. Even your body rebels against you, and you lose all confidence or drive to achieve, succeed, or even survive.

No wonder drug addiction is common, no wonder why we self medicate. No wonder we become addicted to things like food, sex, alchohol, self mutilation, and a million other things that give us a momentary control over our feelings. Even the bright flash of cutting yourself is better that the blue dull of blind sadness. No wonder suicide rates are as high as they are. The helplessness of being controlled by your dark mood, that black hand squeezing your heart, drives you to want control over your state. It drives you to fight back, and the only weapons you have are the ones that cause stronger feelings - immediate feelings. Sadly, many of us turn to weapons that hurt us worse than the feelings ever could. Drugs, alchohol, and other types of self abuse only increase the feelings of guilt and lack of control. It becomes a whirlpool that sucks us deeper and deeper.

I am so afraid of this whirlpool. I am so afraid of the depths and darkness of this feeling. I am so scared that someday I will kill myself. I am so afraid of these moments of weakness.

So how do I survive ? How do I get through this without destroying myself ?

First and foremost is God. There is no friend greater, no companion stronger, no love in my life greater than the Lord. When I feel the whole world crashing down around me, I stop and say, "Thank you Lord. I do not understand. It is difficult. And I thank you for being with me through this." Above all things I know that the Lord pushes me, strengthens me, and teaches me. This is for my good, and I trust in the Lord.

Secondly, I turn to music. Sometimes I listen to music, but my true sanity is in playing music. Somewhere in the strings of my violin is a little bit of peace, a little sanity. I can beat on a drum and lose myself, lose my emotions, and become a rhythm. By playing the songs written by great composers in the past that have been wracked by the same feelings as I am feeling, I can find some type of companionship that transgresses the centuries. In the scales and modes of blues guitar I can find a bit of release. With music I can express raw emotion, without having to use words. Because there are no words that can make this better, or explain the situation, or even that can do anything but hurt the people around me; I find that music is the most direct way of cleansing my heart, or at least consoling it.

Friends and family are that other key ingredient to survival. During these times of weakness, it is so crucial to be surrounded by people that can support you. These times are the times that you will remember for ever. These people need to understand that they can't cheer you up, they can't console you, that aren't responsible for it. But they can help. They can let you know when your behaviour is destructive, they can run a bath for you, they can help you remember and think, and let you know that it is going to get better.

Mood swings are temporary. Every minute that I survive is one minute closer to it being over. So I take it one minute at a time. I know, even if I don't believe it, that this too will pass.